Archive for the ‘breakups’ Tag

Surviving Breakups   Leave a comment

After a psycho doctor that i dated, i asked for the complete opposite – someone who is not at all emotional, especially in relationships.  i asked for someone who is completely stable, doesn’t-need-anyone-in-his-life sorts, a macho personality, completely unglamorous and wholesome, completely independent, believes in himself to the core, will do things for me in a quiet measure, and would be a good companion. Little did i know about balance. Today i stand after the sunset of yet another relationship, wondering how accurately i had manifested my ex in my life. He fit the bill to say the least. I guess i asked for a few things quite misplaced. Being a VERY emotional person myself, i realized i was looking for someone to balance me. An external source. And as i have been delving a lot into spirituality i have finally come to understand that the balance is never found externally…it is to be developed internally. The lack of sensitivity and emotional empathy always made me feel ‘strange’ with him, as if i were not being understood. Since he didn’t ‘need’ me, i craved for attention from him to my immense surprise, and that made ME feel like a stranger to myself. His ‘doing’ things to please me in quiet, subtle measures came to be inadequate for me, mainly due to the earlier mentioned craving for attention. Appreciation turned to complaints. And as it would seem logical, a breakup came along.
It’s funny how being in a relationship exposes the most vulnerable sides of you you never thought existed. We always attract our mirrors in our life… that’s why life is said to be an illusion. Changing others is like cleaning the mirror that shows you flaws in your face, instead of cleaning your own face which is flawed. Hence, i am cleaning up my own face now, and finding my own balance, rather than finding it in someone else. Most importantly, i have started a love affair with my own self, by doing things which make me feel in tune with my bliss. No one can make you feel lonely, through their presence or their absence.  It is just self-ignorance and nonacceptance of some part of you which makes you feel that way.
Moreover, i have learnt, largely through past life regression, you never ever lose anyone…they just change faces. And if they go away from your life, it’s to teach you a lesson – could be self-discovery, independence, forgiveness, love, letting go, anything really, but through Love. Once your lesson is learnt, they come back changing faces, wanting to teach you something else this time…again, through Love.  Love is always found around the corner and always to be found within you.  Doesn’t it seem as if it were our school teachers i am talking about? But then isn’t earth also one giant school?

Getting through a breakup:

Nothing makes me a specialist here 🙂  but these few ways have worked for me…

  • Not burning bridges after a breakup – Especially if the person you’ve dated is a really nice person. For some, the decision is taken months beforehand on some mental level… it just takes a while to be ‘out with it’. The same might go for the receiver too, but hearing it from the horse’s mouth makes it an ‘ouch’ sensation. Talking out reasons after weeks of calming(and crying) also helps a lot in seeing it from the other person’s perspective.
    Sometimes even the two nicest people can’t sustain a relationship.
  • Writing helps – Writing down what really broke it from your perspective, what is it that you wanted more from your partner, writing a letter to your own self in second person while seeing it from an overall viewpoint helps. The important thing here is that whatever you feel lacked in the other person, are the areas YOU need to work in your own self. The trick here is avoid perfection and embrace completion – discovering what ‘balance’ is for you.
  • Reading helps too – The ‘right’ kind of reading does…For me personally, the self-help book called, Question Your Thinking, Change the World by Byron Katie worked wonders! So did going down the rusty ol’ memory lane and picking up Enid Blyton books and other childhood faves.
  • Staying away from common friends – Common friends inadvertently come up with references or awkwardness regarding the mention of your ex. So stay away…you don’t need them to fuel your memories when you are trying to develop tolerance towards them. What helps is joining people with a common interest like a book club, music club, meditation groups or even enrolling in a weekend activity that will keep your mind occupied like a language class, hobby class, etc. Often people try to drown themselves in work, but believe me, having tried that, the numbness or dull throbbing ache it leaves you with feels like taking 10 painkillers for a single headache… not worth it! Ignorance doesn’t work. That dull throb comes back when you are in the next affair/relationship or even meeting an attractive person in a harmless way the next time around, running into a deja vu ruin.  Might as well face it and get over with it!
  • Deal with memories rather than trying to erase them – You are not the 50 First Dates character with the blessing of memory loss so don’t try it! Rather it is better to shove away the gifts for a while safely in a closet, or turning them over to a friend for safekeeping until you are ready to take them back in an unemotional way. But memories… better to just close your eyes and savor them or write them down even if you have tears rolling down your cheeks. Memories are indeed sweet when savored and torturous when suppressed.
  • Staying away from sad songs/sitcoms/movies – As if you didn’t know already how much entertainment has a role to play in our daily lives and perceptions!! Laughter therapy is the best therapy! Better to catch hold of mindlessly funny movies/ sitcoms or even cartoons if they do the trick for you, and stick to feel-good songs rather an all-time fave Elvis Presley!
  • Understanding the other person’s role in your life – Often we are too caught up with role-playing in our lives. The partner is usually playing the role of a knight in the shining armor, a parent-like caretaker, an attention giver, a romantic/humorous refuge etc. and in fact it is WE who pin down these roles on our partners. In doing so, when they cannot fulfil what we expect of them in this role, our dreams feel shattered, our heart is broken. The dirty truth in this is that if we carefully strip our partner from this role completely, they mean nothing to us. In short, we were in love with the role, and very less, if at all, in love with the person him/her self.
    This role is the most important side of yourself you will learn about. You miss this in yourself… and NO ONE…not your parents, not your children, not the bestest of your friends, NO ONE is capable of filling this role, this void except YOUR SELF.
  • Taking your time – Take your time in healing yourself… especially through all the above ways. Don’t let anyone push you. Feelings can’t be changed quickly and time heals them better especially if you invest in it by working it out for yourself with what makes you feel better and better.

Finally, there is no ‘better half’… there is only a Complete One… and that state is capable of being reached when you are complete on your own. Two completes make a single complete. Call it a New Age love philosophy if you like, but i was personally struck by the beauty of it when i saw it in existence with some of my friends.

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Posted January 18, 2009 by Deepti G Gujar in articles

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